Adventures of Nick and Artemis
by Ryuu S
Summary: I prefer Nick with Kody. But I'm not the only one wondering what Nick's relationship wth Artemis is like. Series of short snippets of what I think they have to deal with on a regular basis. (And I know, assuming is a bad, bad thing with this series.) Not sure if this is really humor, but I think they do have a friendship. Of sorts.
1. A Small Problem

**Disclaimer: Sherrilyn Kenyon owns DH down to the finite details. And she rocks, so there.**

** A Small Problem**

Enter Olympus: Extravagant, beautiful, and perfect in every way, minus most of the occupants.

Enter Artemis' Temple: Large, bright, and full of only the sweetest luxury immortality could buy.

Now, the Chocolate Truffle bowl: _Empty. _**Blasphemy!**

Artemis frowned and stuck her hand back into the glass bowl. She was spending another day laying on her spongy couch, and part of today's activities was eating delicious chocolate truffles. Which there were none.

_Again. _

How on Earth is she supposed to act the part of spoiled Goddess if she keeps running out her damn chocolates?! But she knew who the culprit was. No one else would **dare** eat her chocolates then forget to fill the bowl. Other than Acheron, and he never cared for the stuff.

¨_NICHOLAS!¨ _

Nick, who had been spending a rare day outside of Stryker's nosy-ness, leaned his head inside the large chamber from his place on the balcony.

¨Yeah? You need something?¨ Hopefully not another mission. He could do without dealing with people at the current moment. He had actually been enjoying his afternoon.

Artemis flashed from her lounge to stand in front of Nick.

¨You. Ate. My. **CHOCOLATE**!¨ Hm.

¨Is that all?¨ Nick waved his hands towards the glass bowl and conjured chocolate truffles.

Artemis stomped her foot.

¨You always eat my chocolate! Stay out!¨

¨Look, I can't help the fact we're both chocoholics. You left for a few moments, they called to me, I couldn't resist. It was like mind control.¨ He raised his hand. ¨Scout's honor. And besides, since when do you eat Lindt Chocolate truffles? I thought you were stringent Hershey girl.¨

¨That doesn't matter! I AM A GODDESS. I can eat what I want when I want!¨

¨I suppose that includes Godiva?¨

¨If it's chocolate, it's mine! Men, stay out!¨

¨HEY! Men need chocolate to! I demand equality!¨

¨Well, you're not taking any of mine!¨

¨Fine!¨ He conjured himself a bag of hershey kisses. ¨I won't share.¨ He plopped one into his mouth.

Artemis growled at him, realizing the biggest issue in their relationship:

Chocolate.

**Guys, I'm serious. Not sure if Nick's as big of a chocoholic as I think he is, but I remembered the fact Ash didn't like chocolate, but both Nick and Artie do. And I cannot recall how many arguments I've gotten into with people over who ate the damn candy bar. -RS**


	2. Brawl- The Video Game

**There are some things you just don't do, Nick. -RS**

**P.S I GOT A REVEIW. **

**BRAWL- The Videogame.**

¨Nick!¨ yelled Artemis, her voice echoing through her temple. (Cue handmaidens covering their ears in pain.) Where was the angsty man when she needed him? Normally he could be found moping on her balcony, but alas, he was no where to be found. She needed _someone_\- and by someone, she meant Nick- to entertain her.

What? Immortal Goddesses get bored easily! Entertain herself? Excuse me? Do you know who you're talking to?! Whichever!

She needed Nick. Flashing to his bedroom, she quickly realized it was empty. Well, that...sucked. Or maybe it was blew. She truly couldn't keep up with this ridiculous language. She flashed herself to the book room, where she first met Nick. No one.

Hmm. Nick was rather particular of her going through his house, but…

Oh well.

She flashed herself to the Living Room. Ah-ha! She found him seated on the ottoman, eyes glued to the television. In his hands was a strange white rod.

¨Nick! I've been calling you for hours!¨ The cajun cursed as his character was promptly thrown off the screen by the villain Master Hand.

**GAME OVER.**

_Fu...!_

Breathing deep and trying to keep leash on his temper, Nick turned to face Artemis. For a woman who promised to help him control his hatred, she does a swell job at inciting it.

¨What do you need, Artie?¨ He did his best to keep 'scathing condemnation' out of his tone of voice.

He failed. Offended, Artemis pouted and crossed her arms.

¨I was looking for you! Is that a crime? And all you're doing is playing those...those...under the bridge games!¨ The what games? That was a new phrase. Hell, it even took him a few minutes to understand what she was saying.

¨You mean...underrated? Super Mario Smash Brothers Brawl is _NOT_ underrated. It is fun, and I enjoy it. If it wasn't, I wouldn't be playing it.¨ Artemis thougth for a second, remembering something Nick had mentioned a few weeks ago.

¨That's _your _opinion!¨ He couldn't believe this. Of all the things he's explained to Artemis about humanity, what she remembers is how to argue like a lawyer.

¨Ever thought of debate club, Artie?¨ She frowned.

¨Debate club?¨ Nick dismissed the notion.

¨Never mind. You say Smash Brothers is underrated, I say it's a good game. How about you try it out and see for yourself?¨ Indigent, Artemis spluttered.

¨A goddesses does not partake of vulgar activities!¨ Now, that's just rude.

¨Vulgar? Really? And se-¨ Artemis covered Nick's mouth with her hand and pushed his face. Not expecting the pressure she applied, he fell off the ottoman.

¨You promised!¨ She reminded him. He couldn't help the roll his eyes.

¨I really don't think that's gonna help matters. Regardless, if you don't at least try the game, you're no better than a four-year-old who won't try a new food. If you haven't tried it, how do you know you don't like it?¨ He looked pointedly at Artemis.

¨How old's your Granddaughter again?¨ Artemis snatched the controller from his hands.

_Damn pre-law student._

If Artemis had known he'd be more difficult to argue with than Ash, she would have re-thought matters. Nick allowed himself a small grin in triumph and fetched another controller from his electronic box.

¨I'll let you be first player, since you seem pretty set on that controller.¨ _Obviously!_ thought Artemis.

¨But first, let me use that to go to the main screen...okay, so these are the characters you can choose from. Each one have their own stylized attacks, but the combo's on the controller are the same. Like down a or down b. and this is-¨ So on and so forth.

¨I can choose the character I want?¨ Nick nodded. She briefly thought about it.

¨Which is the strongest?¨

¨Artie...all the characters are strong, depending on who's using them. Although Sonic is pretty OP, along with Snake and Lucario...¨ She wrinkled her nose. Those names didn't sound appealing at all.

¨Zelda's pretty strong. And she's technically two different characters.¨

¨Who?¨ Nick pointed her out on the screen. _Well,_ thought Artemis. _She's not to bad looking._

¨What are her qualifications?¨ Nick gave her a strange look (We humans know it to be the 'Are you kidding me' glance, but fortunately, Artie doesn't know that) before sighing and explaining out Zelda's qualifications.

¨She's a Princess, technically a Queen because we almost never see her parents or grandparents. She has the power of Hyrule's...light and is quite a bamf in her own right. Now, if she would just stop being abducted all the time….Also, her alter ego is Sheik, who's a martial artist and weapons expert.¨ Artemis 'hmmed'.

¨How tall is she?¨

¨ARTIE!¨ She pouted.

¨How tall is she?¨ Nick wasn't going to get out of this.

¨Shorter than you.¨ She nodded.

¨Acknowledged!¨

¨Approved, Artie.¨

¨Same thing!¨ After Nick chose Ike as his character, the two of them finally started to play.

-1 Hour later-

¨THAT DOESN'T BELONG TO YOU!¨

¨It fell from the sky, Artie. The Hammer is public property.¨ _Cue Artie-now Pikachu for diversity's sake-being thrown off the screen._

_¨**That's it!¨ **_

¨HEY! You do realize that lightning bolt it a cheap move?¨

¨If it was a cheap move, they wouldn't have put it in the game!¨

¨That's what you think- hell no! Who do you think you are?! Jesus?!¨

¨I am a **Goddess **and I demand that floating Orb!¨

¨Not likely, _cher_!¨

¨NONONO! I am not going to submit-¨ _Cue Pikachu being batted off-screen by Nick, now Link, via special Tri-force move._

**LINK, WINNER!**

_¨AGAIN!¨_

_..._

¨You're not getting it this time! I AM GOING TO-¨

_Cue Kirby boiling Pikachu in a vat of stewing vegetables._ Nick reclined on the sofa.

¨You think Simi would approve?¨

**KIRBY, WINNER!**

_¨ÄGAIN!¨_

_..._

¨Finally! All the items! Now I just have to-¨

_Cue Donkey Kong punching Zelda._

¨NICK! I JUST GOT ALL THE ITEMS!¨ He stuck his tongue out.

¨YOU IMMATURE BRAT!¨ He looked at her innocently.

¨Exactly. You can't blame a kid for being one.¨

**DONKEY KONG, WINNER!**

_¨AGAIN!¨_

_..._

¨YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR THAT!¨

¨Ït was bomb, Artie. All I did was throw it.¨

¨There's should be a limit to- Is that a star? Wait, no-¨ _Cue Pikachu being blasted off-screen._

**Pitt, WINNER!**

Artemis stared at the television screen, comatose.

¨Do you want to play again?¨ Nick asked, not really perturbed.

_**¨YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED IN MY TEMPLE FOR A WEEK!¨**_ Artemis flashed herself home, leaving Nick shocked on the couch. The goddess needed to go train her skills. No loss of any kind should be allowed!

**...And Nick, that includes beating Bitchy-Heifer-Goddesses at Video games. At all. In any way, shape, or form. There is a time and place to show off...this is not one of them. Although I think Nick would actually let her win most of the games, while Artemis just getting pissed if she lost even one. Like this:**

**Alternate ending!**

_-Later that evening-_

¨How are you?¨ Kryian asked over the phone.

¨Good. Friend of mine just can't handle a loss of any kind.¨

¨Eh? Like what?¨

¨Smash Brothers Brawl. She lost four out of the fifteen game we played, and has now secluded herself to go train.¨

¨She becoming a hermit?¨

¨If she wasn't before, she is now.¨


	3. She Did Sign It

**I got another review. :D I'm quite the happy camper. -RS**

**She Did Sign It.**

¨….No.¨

¨Why Not?¨

¨You told me that I wouldn't have to, especially after the first time. Athena nearly had my hide filleted. And I thought you wanted to keep me hidden? Low profile?¨ Artemis stomped her foot at her current frustration. Otherwise known as the Nick Gautier, resident Malachai. She could do what she want, when she wanted! If she bent the rules a little, who was to know?

¨It's just a liiiittle burning. A small torching. Nothing big! Just enough to turn them into unrecognizable coals!¨

¨It think you mean cinders. And that would take more than a 'little torching'. Why don't you just do it?¨

¨She'll know it was me!¨ So...you send me to do it. Not a very smart plan, Artie.

¨Again, I say** No**. I'm not torching someone's pets just because they took a crap on your porch.¨

¨You did so last time!¨ Nick ground his teeth.

¨You failed to mention they were someone's _**pets.**_ _That didn't belong to you.¨_ She huffed. Nick was always so particular about certain things. He'd fry an random crow if it's annoying him on the electric line, but won't shoot down a pigeon for her if someone owns it.

¨Ẅell, fine! I still need you to torch it.¨ _Define 'need', Artie..._

¨I'm telling you, I don't have to. You promised I would never have to do that again, and I won't.¨

¨I don't remember promising any such thing!¨

¨Ẅell, I do.¨ Nick pulled a paper from the air and held it at her eye-level.

¨In fact, I even got a written agreement from you. _Nick Gautier will never have to burn, torch, maim, violently kill, and/or harm someone's pet, child, or other* on the orders of Artemis. Ever. Including Athena's Owls, AKA 'pigeons' in the language of Artemis_.¨

¨That's not what it says!¨

¨Close enough.¨

**-Author's Note-**

I had two ideas- Artemis taking issues with Athena's Owls and the idea that Nick, being a pre-law student, would make a paper copy of any agreement he and Artemis made. And have her sign it. He probably wouldn't do this- take too much time- but it's a funny idea. Sorry the chapters it's so short! I'll try to make the next one longer.


	4. The Cake: Part 1

**I'm not happy about the previous chapter (I think I could have done more with it.) So to make up for that…**

**A long chapter! That you may or may not like. -RS**

**The Cake.**

It was a good idea. An excellent idea, in fact. The best one she's had in awhile.

Just very poor execution.

Artemis found out a couple of weeks ago that it would be Nick's birthday. She had been spying on Sanctuary using her powers- her daughter had been spending a lot of time there recently- and overheard one of the bears mention it. She had no idea Nick was born on the Winter Solstice. In fact, she never remembered him mention anything about it. At all.

She could have sworn humans were rather proud of their birthdays. Then again, he wasn't human anymore, so it maybe it didn't matter to him?

...No, that's not the case. Acheron had been very particular about his birthday as well, despite no longer being mortal. Hmm. Artemis was getting better at understanding human thought process. Perhaps she should do something for him?

….Nah. Goddess don't need to worry about that!

...

But she supposed friends do.

She sat up on her lounge and tapped her fingers against her thigh. Nick had been clear on that point. Friends gave each other gifts every now and then. Not because they had to, but because it was a nice gesture to say they cared. Boyfriends and girlfriends did this, including wives and husbands. And siblings, on occasion. She knew children would give their parents gifts- she still had some from when Katra was little.

In fact, now that she thought about it, humans have a habit of gift-giving for no reason at all. She relaxed back onto the couch. Well, she could just conjure something up for whenever he gets here and say it's for his birthday.

…

No, no, that won't do. Nick also specified making something by hand was the best route for gift-giving, unless there was a particular item the other person wanted, such as a book or video game.

This was becoming complicated. She knew he liked video games- she was still smoldering at her four losses, and has since challenged him- but he didn't have much time to play games. He was bibliophilic...other than that ridiculous manga he and Ash both preferred, which tossed that gift idea off the list. No way was she conjuring that.

Hmm. He's a demon now, so maybe powerful weaponry? No, he already had his sword. What could beat that? A movie? No, to simple, and a Goddess does not approve of simple gifts.

Food?

Promising…

Chocolate. Nick liked chocolate. He would appreciate that. But there was a specific kind of birthday food that's always served...in fact, the Gods themselves have even eaten it in the Main Hall on occasion.

Cake!

It was decided. Artemis would bake Nick a Chocolate Cake!

…

How? She would obviously have to bake it herself, since a gift meant more that way- from Nick's explanation- but she's never cooked a day in her life.

Oh, well. There's nothing a Goddess can't do!

**-An Hour Later-**

Although, there are limitations to their powers.

Artemis observed her wrath of destruction on Nick's kitchen with a solemn silence, vaguely wondering if she should have used the kitchen in Sin's Casino. Her daughter wouldn't have minded, but then she'd have to deal with her daughter's low-life husband, and that was no good. Using Nick's kitchen had been the better option.

She daintily cleared her throat from the smoke coming out of the oven.

Well...a better option, not the best possible. She'd better clean this up before he returned. (He was out on his Dark-Hunter rounds.) She tapped her fingers. Try again, or get help? Who would she ask?

Persephone? She was good friends with her daughter. She might help...but would she have any luck with baking a cake?

Cupid and Psyche? No, despite having a holiday named after them, they probably have no clue.

Astrid? Probably not. She may still be a little upset that Artemis tried to kill her husband.

Aphrodite? Yeah, no. No. Glamor girl would not do that. Then again, she may have tried due to her grandkids…but no, she wouldn't ask her.

The Fates? They wouldn't enter a kitchen, let alone touch an oven. That had disaster written all over. They do more trouble sitting in a room weaving than a hungry and rampaging Nick does in a week. And that was when he behaved.

Apollo?

She couldn't believe she'd had that stupid thought, but with the image now in her head, she couldn't stop laughing. Oh, the mental image...Nick was right. Perhaps someone should create that eye-bleach formula.

...Nick?

Nope. That would undermine the whole operation. Did Nick even know how to cook? Interesting question which she would pursue at a later date.

All her options nullified, she prepared to-dare she say it- try again.

Maybe she would have had a better shot at baking if she had followed some sort of recipe?

But Goddesses know everything! Recipe not needed!

…

But she should read one, just in case.

Ingrediants:

2 cups sugar

1-3/4 cups all-purpose flour

3/4 cup HERSHEY'S Cocoa

1-1/2 teaspoons baking powder

1-1/2 teaspoons baking soda

1 teaspoon salt

2 eggs

1 cup milk

1/2 cup vegetable oil

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

1 cup boiling water

"PERFECTLY CHOCOLATE" CHOCOLATE FROSTING (recipe follows)

Did Nick have all these? Where were they located? The cup board? The fridge? The pantry? No, Yes, No...not for this one...water? In a cake? Didn't matter. Hmm. To save on time, she conjured it all. Why not? She'd still bake the cake. As for what she had been trying to do earlier, with what ingredients…well, she hoped Nick wouldn't miss the meat from the freezer.

**STEP 1: ** **Heat oven to 350°F. Grease and flour two 9-inch round baking pans.**

How on earth was she supposed to change the temperature? She tried to use her powers the previous time, and nearly caused an explosion. What did it mean by grease and flour? The only grease she could remember ever referring to is the grease that comes off meat when it's grilled. Surely that's not what is put into sweets…and flour. 9 inch round baking pans? Where are on earth are those kept? Well, she supposed anything would do. She grabbed a random container made of metal from Nick's cupboard.

Despite the fact something like this was normally supposed to be for...did Katra call it frying? It would do.

She decided to use her powers again to heat the oven, just not as much from before.

**STEP 2:** **Stir together sugar, flour, cocoa, baking powder, baking soda and salt in large bowl. Add eggs, milk, oil and vanilla; beat on medium speed of mixer 2 minutes. Stir in boiling water (batter will be thin). Pour batter into prepared pans.**

Mixer? She didn't need to use that. How much of each ingredient? She debated looking, but figured if she had the general ingredients, it couldn't turn out to bad. She tossed them into a bowl , but ditched the water ingredient. Who puts water in a baked dish? She left the wooden spoon to go stir while snatching up the pan.

It wouldn't fit. The was still too much mix. Luppy and dry though it was- it's supposed to be dry, right?- she poured as much as possible and ditched the rest in a separate bowl. She'd eat it later. Wait, no, it's Nick's gift, so maybe she needed to wrap it?

**STEP 3: Bake 30 to 35 minutes or until wooden pick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool 10 minutes; remove from pans to wire racks. Cool completely. Frost with "PERFECTLY CHOCOLATE" CHOCOLATE FROSTING. Makes 12 servings.**

Isn't baking what she's been doing this entire time? How dare this recipe mock her!

Growling, she left the kitchen after apparating it into the oven. She needed to take a nap. To bad tylenol didn't work for gods.

By the time she was done, she had a very odd-flat shaped...brick...that seemed to be cracking in places. Not what she had been expecting, but overall, she felt it was a worthy achievement. She sat the frosting next to the cake, remembering that Nick also said people could be picky...like her.

She opted to ignore that tid bit. Oh, one last thing. She wrote a small note and left. Birthday present delivered!

**-Around dawn that morning-**

_What…the..._

_Who would…_

NIck stood speechless in the entryway to his kitchen, mouth hanging open.

The kitchen was trashed.

There was a frying pan on the stove completely dirty, flour and eggs on the floor, baking soda, baking powder and salt on the countertop, the butter was left just melting on the counter, milk starting to spoil. The fridge door was left wide open, along with every cupboard and pantry present. Burglars? Did some human actually manage to break into his house, despite all the wards and enchantments surrounding it? He stuck his head into his living room. Nope. Only the kitchen was wrecked beyond redemption. Was that a handprint in the marble island? What was with all the dishes in the sink? Who, in their right mind, would use his kitchen without his permission?! _That he knew?!_

Taking angry steps into the kitchen, he paused and the short, clipped message written on a strange circular...thing.

_ I order you to eat this Birthday Cake!_

_ -Artemis._

_ P.S Please._

After staring for a few moments, Nick let out an exhausted breath. Yeah, leave it to Artemis. She would use his kitchen without permission. But...

This was a cake? He poked at it with one of his daggers. Was it edible? Artemis was the Goddess of the Hunt, not baking. He granted that she may have some grilling experience- but baking?

He gave a small smile. Even though his birthday was in a few days, he didn't mind an early present. If he received any at all. This was quite a surprise; the petulante goddess had never given any indication she gave a damn about his birth. He was...oddly happy.

Still. That _could not_ be edible.

He grabbed the frosting she had left and ate it with a spoon, accepting it in place of the cake. He swiftly used his powers to clean up everything, only midely annoyed she had forgotton.

The cake loomed in his peripheral vision. He ignored it. He walked to the fridge to get some water. The cake stared at him, the dark, burned color intense. With white flecks. Was that eggshells? Artemis didn't just throw the eggs in, right? He cut off his train of thought and continued to ignore the cake.

_Eat mee….eaat meee…_

Nick slowly turned around at the voice. That...no. If everyone thought he was going insane, this was definite proof.

Then the cake started to move, arms and legs growing out of it's sides, picking up the dirty spoon Nick had set down.

¨A walking, talking cake that demands to be eaten. Wonderful.¨ The spoon was chucked at Nick's head. Tilting his cranium to the side, the spoon whipped past his ear, missing completely.

What he wasn't expecting to hear was the window behind him shatter. Startled, he turned the wrath of Hell's Fury on his birthday cake.

¨You. Just. Broke. My Mothers'. House.¨

He narrowed his eyes.

_Challenge accepted._

_-At the same time in Artemis' temple-_

Artemis frowned, wondering why she was awake. Had she forgotton to do something? She blearly tried to remember. Birthday...Nick...cake...bake...Nope, she couldn't remembering anything. Shrugging, she went back to sleep.

**-Author's' Note-**

**After a brief debate, I have decided to make this a two part. You will know the result of Nick's Demonic Birthday cake next time. At least Artemis tried to give him a nice, thoughtful present? Hopefully this one is better than last chapter. I wasn't happy with it. This one I feel better about. By the way, any one have any prompt ideas? Surely ya'll have imagined these two getting into trouble? They're like the perfect mix for absolute disastor. Nothing goes right. And I can hear Nick saying: _Well, that didn't go as planned_, with Artemis screaming in the background.**

**By the way, Thank you to the Guest who posted a review on the 24th! Not sure how else to thank you! I figured out how to respond to reviews, but I couldn't do that with someone who's listed as a guest.**

**P.S I used a real recipe. Never made it before, but it's real. Review, and if you find spelling mistakes, don't be afraid to point it out.**


	5. The Cake: Part 2

**I'm really happy about this chapter! I think everyone will enjoy it, ecspeacially the ending! And it's long! -RS**

**The Cake: Part two**

_Riiiiiing._

_Riiiiiing._

_Hello, this is Nick Gautier and you've obviously called when I was busy. Please leave your message after the beep, and if this is Ash you can go die-_

_¨Hello?¨_ Chi sighed in aggravation. It was already dawn and she wanted to (attempt) to sleep, but had been unable to reach Nick the first two times she tried to reach him. She didn't have to give him a warning about what she was going to teach him; honestly, this kid…

¨It's Chi. I'm sure you haven't forgotten I'm supposed to be training you in-¨

_¨Yeah, I know-¨ _Chi heard the sound of a dish being broken._¨- you're coming tonight. I haven't completely spaced on my guards' rotations. I'll be here, as normal. I'm really sorry about this, but-¨_ Something exploded in the background. _¨I kinda need to hang up. A little busy.¨_ Chi frowned.

¨Was that glass I just heard? That better be the T.V., Gautier.¨

_¨Unfortunately, yes, that was the T.V. Sorry, I really need to hang up. I'll call you later.¨_

_Beeeep. _

Chi frowned at her phone. Something was definitely wrong with that Cajun. She'd make a point to check in on him earlier tonight than she had been planning. Ash had told them to give him a certain amount of space, for their safety as well has his temperament. She'd ask what was going on later. Nothing demonic could enter the house anyway.

**-At Nick's House-**

Nick stood mournfully before his beloved T.V screen, the savior of many lonely nights when he was bored with his laptop.

The screen was shattered. Beyond repair. Well, okay, he could fix it, but every time he did, his stupid Demonic Birthday Cake From Hell would just damage the screen all over again. And it's been happening everywhere in the house.

The Demon Cake would attack Nick, he'd dodge, but then the house would get damaged. Nick would automatically repair it, but it was no use since the cake would just destroy something else. He tried to teleport the damn thing outside, but it was somehow tied down to the house, and even if he did bring the Demon Cake outside...what good would it do?

The humans couldn't exactly see a full grown man fighting a Demon Birthday Cake in the middle of the street in broad daylight. Even for New Orleans, that was pushing his luck. Worse, the thing had multiplied. Artemis must not have baked all of batter; the second Demon-sludge-thing had come from a bowl she had left in fridge. Probably the only thing she remembered to do. Correctly. The sludge stayed in the kitchen, unable to move far fast, but it continued accumulating mass, and therefore, ammunition to use when Nick came in sight.

And that blasted Demon Cake was definitely keeping him on the move.

He debated asking Nashira how to exorcise Demon Cakes, but realized that with the snarkiness his Grimoire was capable of, she would probably laugh.

He really didn't need a book without a voice laughing her ass off at him in the current situation. 'Cause let's face it:

The Malachai was outnumbered, outgunned, and completely on the defensive. He couldn't even torch the damn confection because it was born through being _baked._

Livid did not describe the his mental state. He was far, far past it. Time to call in reinforcements. And get her to clean up her damn mess. For once.

_¨ARTEMIS! Get over here!¨_

She appeared in her sheer sleeping pajamas, yawning from having just woken up. She glared at him in rage.

¨Exactly what do you think you're doing, yelling at me after I put so much effort into your Birthday Present? And here I thought I was going to get a thank-you!¨ She pouted.¨Didn't you like it?¨Nick sighed, grabbing her wrist and pulling her up the stairs, dodging airborne cake-sludge bombs. Artemis looked around widely. She shrieked.

¨Ẅhat happened to your house?!¨ Cutting right past that so he wouldn't lose all shred of sanity, he got to the point.

¨My Birthday Cake is trying to kill me. Which really defeats the whole point of a birthday, but I shouldn't be surprised at this point.¨ Artemis fiddled with the hem of her sleeping gown.

¨Uhm. Not the cake I baked you, right…?¨ Nick gave her a deadpanned stare. He spoke very slowly so she wouldn't mishear him.

¨Ï was really, really thrilled-¨ Okay, so that may be an over-exaggeration ¨-that you baked me a birthday cake. But this thing is now trying to kill me. And wreck my house. I need to destroy it, and my fires' not working. Neither is throwing them against the wall. They don't feel pain. Exactly how did you create this thing? What recipe did you use? The ingredients?¨

Artemis nervously played with her fingers as she and Nick took shelter at the top of the stairs, behind the banister.

¨I used a Hershey cake recipe...¨ She summoned it from the air. ¨...But didn't really follow directions. I just danced over them and then did the basics.¨

¨Did you use any magic? Any of your powers?¨ She puffed up her cheeks and looked away from him.

¨That answers that. Okay, I need you to get rid of them.¨ Artemis looked at him in shock.

¨Me? What makes you think I can get rid of this?¨"

¨You created it, so you might be the only one who can destroy it. And I would really appreciate it if you would do that quickly. My house is currently being disgraced as we speak.¨ They had a brief staring contest before Artemis relented. It had been her gift. But she felt absolutely humiliated this is how it turned out.

Nick walked down the stairs slowly, deflecting the gooey attacks that burned like acid- was that from a supreme amount of salt and baking soda?- and knives. Where the hell did the Demon Cake get- the kitchen. Damn. It really was the most dangerous place in the house. And he had left the Demon Sludge there, slowly gaining mass…

He felt like an idiot.

Nick motioned for Artemis to try to….evaporate it or something while he distracted Demon Cake. Demon Sludge was currently busy.

Artemis immediately expelled him from the house into oblivion. Or, at least, she tried to. The cake seemed tied to the house. That could have been helpful knowledge to know before she blasted it, which only kept the Demon Cake dissolved for a little while. It clumped back together rather easily. What else could she do? Thinking she was brilliant, she immediately conjured a huge bucket of water and dumped it over the Cake.

¨That was my Wii and Playstation! Where are you aiming?!¨

¨At the cake, you-¨ Artemis cut off her words as the Demon Cake absorbed the water and grew a bit bigger.

It now had creep, red, demon eyes. The duo paled.

_Eeeaaat meee. __**EEEAAAAT MEEEEE!**_

Artemis stepped back in trepidation.

¨Um, Nick? Have any other suggestions?¨

He paused for a second.

¨Yup. Tactical retreat.¨ He grabbed Artie by her waist and flashed upstairs to his room.

¨Run?! Since when do you run?!¨ Nick grunted in annoyance.

¨Did you hear me? Tactical retreat! And since the moment my Birthday Cake is trying to kill me! And there's no use fighting this thing if we have no idea how to stop it.¨ Artemis only gave it a second thought before finding an easy solution.

¨Did you try to eat any of it? It was asking you to eat it. In my experience, you need to listen to the little voices.¨ She tilted her head, listening to the ether.

¨Yeah. The little voices say you have to eat it.¨

¨I don't want to listen to the little voices in your head, Artie.¨

¨You should. If you did, you might not be in this mess. So did you try any?¨

¨No.¨ Artemis looked offended.  
¨Why not? I made it for you!¨ Be swift, Nick. Be very swift.

¨It tried to kill me before I could grab a plate.¨ There. Total truth.

She still seemed upset, but more realistic.

¨Understood. That means you need to try a slice now!¨ Suddenly cheerful despite the loose demonic cakes, she rushed down the hallway, intent on cutting him a slice.

Nick was left dreading his immediate future. He could feel the tumble weeds of accepted desolation roll around in his room.

¨Could we not…?¨

Their first try was unsuccessful. Artemis tried to slice a piece off and hand it to him, but it immediately dissolved and flew right back to the main body. For a cake that wanted to be eaten, it was doing a good job of defending itself.

The second try was a bit better- Nick just full on grabbed a chunk and tried to shove it in his mouth. It didn't work. He looked at the walls, wondering if he some of the leftover sludge would work.

That was their third try, and it tasted absolutely disgusting. But Artemis was present, so he did his best to hide his gut reaction. Which was spit the poisonous solution out. Thankful, she was in Plotting-Artemis-Mode, which means she was completely ignoring him.

¨There's only one thing left to try.¨ She gave Nick her commanding voice.

¨You're going to have to maul it! Bite the body instead of tearing off a piece and eating it. I suggest you aim for the head.¨ Nickwas not looking forward to this. Not in the least, and definitely not after he figured out it tasted. The things he did for humanity… he took a deep breathe, dodging knives and pretending he was a zombie after brains.

No, it didn't help make the experience more pleasant. If anything, it made it worse. The Demon Cake screamed in agony, tearing itself away from Nick and bolting away.

_**EATME!EATME!EATME!**_

Artemis did an uncharacteristic fist bump to the air.

¨You wounded it! You'll have to eat all of it!¨ Nick looked at her, his face a mask of horror.

¨Absolutely not.¨ Artemis frowned.

¨But we've figured out a way to destroy it! You have to eat it all! And any cake I made couldn't have tasted that bad.¨ _As in, the very same cakes she baked that were currently trying to kill them?_

¨Artemis.¨ Nick said, trying to control his anger. ¨Have you, by any chance, seen the size of the slu-the batter in the kitchen that jumped out of the fridge? It's huge. I can't eat all that alone. Maybe when it was smaller, and even then I'd get sick.¨

¨You're a demon! Other than the bouts you get from the ether, you don't get sick.¨

¨This is a demon cake Artie, and I'm going to withdraw immediate assumptions.¨ Nick smirked.

¨However, if it's true demons don't get sick, then isn't it the same for gods? You can help me eat it.¨ Artemis paled at the thought. She chuckled nervously.

¨Well, it's your birthday cake- I made it for you, so-¨ Nick made her way towards her, menacingly.

¨Birthday cakes are meant to be eaten with family and friends.¨

¨It's your gift, I really don't-¨

¨Sharing is caring.¨

¨Erm. About that…I respectfully decline.¨

¨Arrteemiiiis...¨ She flinched.

¨Okay. A small piece.¨

**-Hours later-**

Both laid on the floor, exhausted. At long last, the Demon Cake and Demon Sludge had been vanquished. After many hours of yelling, arguing, throwing up, knife, pen, and remote dodging, they had finally destroyed the Birthday cakes From Hell.

They moaned in equal pain.

_That. Was the most disgusting thing I've tasted, and I'm including Stryker's blood when I say that statement. _Nick couldn't believe he just thought that, but it was disturbingly true.

¨That.¨ Artemis started. ¨Was disgusting.¨ _Glad you noticed, Artie_. Nick thought, no longer caring.

Artemis, ever the proud goddess, did her best to stand, instead of just laying spread eagle on the floor, like Nick had done.

The house was still a mess- in return for forgetting to clean up the kitchen, Artemis had promised to return the house to it's original tidy state.

¨Nick?¨ She asked, very quietly.

Nick opened one eye and glanced over at her.

¨Happy Birthday.¨ He chuckled at the ridiculousness of that statement.

¨Thanks, Artie.¨

¨I'll make sure your next cake is less demonic.¨ He froze.

His _next _cake? Nick took a deep breath and stood, facing Artemis.

¨You know Artemis, It was a wonderful cake. Delightful, really. I'm happy you baked it. However, just like not all people enjoy hunting, sky diving, or golf, It is perfectly acceptable for you to _NEVER COOK AGAIN_.¨ He smiled, hoping to lessen the blow, and gathered up her hands in his and patted them kindly.

¨In fact, as a Goddess, I think you've done quite enough cooking for one immortal lifetime-¨

¨NO!¨ She jerked her hands out of his grip. _Oh god,_ he thought. _Do not argue with me on this. Just don't…_

¨I will not be daunted or defeated! I AM A GODDESS, and I will not go down without a fight!¨ Nick's smile stretched further, his teeth grinding together.

¨Artemis, I really appreciate your enthusiasm...¨

¨Next I will do a lemon cake-¨

¨Please don't. Ever.¨

¨I'll use cinnamon for the seasoning-¨

¨I don't think that goes together-¨

¨And since you're so against me baking, I'll just go get someone else to taste test for me!¨ Nick scoffed.

¨Like who? Ach-¨ Nick paused as a lightbulb went off above his head. Excellent. Totally idiotic, and probably wouldn't work.

But it would piss him off.

¨Actually, I think getting an outsiders' perspective would be wonderful! _**Let's bake Ash**_

_**a cake!¨**_

**-Outside Nick's door-**

Chi slowly, ever so slowly, backed away from the door. This was it. The Malachai had finally snapped. She was going to go fetch the rest of the Dogs Of War because there was absolutely no way a _sane_ Nicholas Gautier would want to bake Acheron Parthenopeous a cake with such sincere glee. Armageddon was near. The world was ending. She was going to go round up the Dogs Of War and...and...go tell Acheron that Nick had finally lost all his marbles.

**-In Kalosis-**

He tried.

He had tried very, very hard not to smile.

Stryker had sensed something wrong with Nick when he felt an unusual emotion for the cajun- fear- enter the bond. Not to mention complete and utter embarrassment. Of course Stryker was going to peak in! Who would pass that up? But a Demonic Birthday Cake demolishing the Malachai's house was not what he had been expecting, and if he didn't get ahold of his composure, his wife was going to wonder what the hell was wrong with him.

Too late. His wife looked over at him in annoyance, which was thickly veiled concern.

¨Find something amusing?¨ Stryker gave up his personal battle and gave a wide smile, seeing as he wasn't around his men. His eyes still closed he tilted his head in Zephyra's direction.

¨I'm currently watching the Malachai being trumped by a Demonic Birthday Cake. It's oddly amusing.¨ He didn't bother to think about if the Malachai, something he couldn't easily kill, was getting his ass handed to him, what that meant for Stryker. Zephyra raised her eyebrow.

¨A Demonic _Birthday_ Cake?¨ She paused.

¨Ï want one.¨

¨You'll have to ask my Dear Aunt Artemis. Although I hear she's taking taste testers.¨

**-Authors Note-**

**I was going to post this at a later date, but then inspiration struck and I had to write it. Hope this makes up for that chapter I'm not fond of! And hopefully you found it funny! Please review, and tell me whether or not you liked it! Point out spelling mistakes! -RS**


	6. Nick's Homework

**Sorry I haven't updated in awhile! I also need to get a move on with some of my other stories...yeah, that's important. Enjoy! **

**-RS**

**Nick's Homework.**

Everyone knows how hard it is to write an essay last minute, the night before, at 1 am in the morning with absolutely no back ups plans.

To take a test without having studied before hand, and therefore guessing on every other question in a valiant attempt to deduce the correct answer.

Bluffing their way through class, even though they most certainly _did not_ do the reading because they were spending too much time reading Kinley MacGregor books, Watching _Walk of the Dead,_ Anime, and crying to _Big Hero Six._

That was not Nick Gautier's problem.

No- His issue stemmed from the exact _opposite_ of this equation.

_**He needed to act stupider than he was.**_

Difficult indeed, and on an entirely new level.

Let me explain….

Nick groaned, glaring at the his Potion's test in righteous indignation. Why did Ash try to slip in all these trick questions? Was he trying to shred every last thread of patience he had left?

How was Nick supposed to know which question to correctly answer and which question to purposely get wrong? In some cases, If Nick wrote down the correct answer- which Ash believes he shouldn't have known- it will only serve as an indicator that his powers were growing at a rapid rate. Obviously, he has to get those wrong, and then proceed to watch Ash gloat over the fact he couldn't get an 100% when _that bastard_ knows how badly it frustrates Nick. Honor Student, people.

Not getting an A+ is...really bad for his moral.

But if Nick _always_ answered the trick questions with sarcasm, Ash would get suspicious and start paying more attention to what Nick _actually knew_. But, for this test in particular, he answered correctly. Ash would hopefully attribute it to luck.

Then there were the easy questions Ash purposely put there. Most he could answer correctly and wouldn't have any problems. The mid-level questions, though- tricky. Nick would normally solve all of them except for one, leaving room for human error.

If you're trying to hide a shit ton of power from a seriously powerful being, cautious just became your new middle name. But normally, if all went well, Nick would have a smudge of 2 missed questions on his record, but a 98% that pointed to an excellent student overall regardless of Ash's trickery. (And, you know. For Morale.)

Tests were easier in college. At least the goal had been the same.

Although, there were days when Nick wondered why he tried. Especially when he received his Potion test back, along with the grade sheet for the potion he expertly made in class as part of his Final Grade in the unit. (Don't get him started on that little rodeo…)

Nick glanced at the top of his paper, seeing a 98%-as planned-with one difference.

A huge smiley face in the corner.

¨This isn't your writing.¨ Ash paused from exiting the house and gave a small smile.

¨Nope. It's Tory's. She's better at the grading thing anyway.¨

Nick blinked as Ash flashed out. Tory?

Someone else was grading his tests? For some reason, and he didn't want to evaluate it, that really annoyed him.

He quickly got over it. Why? 'Cause Tory started to grade his _homework _as well. And sometimes- though this was really odd for him- Styxx would make corrections as well, such as when Menyara briefly went over Ancient Immortal/mortal history with him as per Nick's request.

And that essay he wrote about the Greeks storming Atlantean beaches and beating the crude out of them? Styxx was apparently very amused.

But then Urian gave him a sticky note about how if Nick was going to quote/paraphrase this part of history, he should have mentioned X,Y, and Z, because F and J and K were so important.

Then Bethany mentioned in the margins that she took offense to his wording, and made it clear she would happily re-enact the battle for him and then win.

His homework then turned into some kind of battle ground between the four with Tory making periodical grammatical teacher corrections to everyone's english.

Oh, and that one time Artemis got ahold of his Analysis essay about the Greek-Egyptian war?

He was forbidden from entering her temple for _two_ _weeks_. But it made Menyara, Maahas- and get this-**_SET_** laugh their asses off, so he supposed subliminally insulting the Greek Gods may have been worth it.

Kyrian, Julian, Val, Talon, Wulf, and Thorn all took part of his history unit once they stretched to 'modern' times.

(And yes, Valerius took great enjoyment in reminding everyone of Rome's brilliance, thereby creating another all-out over his tests, with Talon and Wulf egging them on.)

Chi, of course, overviewed most everything in the demonic side of his classes, but stuff became interesting once she invited Thorn into the mix.

He and Thorn blamed the demolished classroom on a rogue Fringe Guard.

Chi didn't buy it.

So, yes, it came to pass that everyone, sooner or later, had a hand in grading Nick's homework and tests.

**Authors' Note: I remembered that Nick is technically still supposed to be learning from Ash and Chi about everything demonic and otherwise, and...yeah. Can you imagine Styxx grading his essays? And all these people who lived through ancient times just tearing his history homework apart? And I thought I had it bad... -RS**

**PS. Please review! **


End file.
